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I had a bad child of divorce childhood.None of them are goqd, but whereas some children of dibhice get a rewlinswly sterile trip down divorce lane and are given the courtesy of not being dragged into it, my pahuets divorce was ceantded around and thpcpgh my sister and I.My matriarchal side is very Amdcpfan Gypsy. Nothing ouksfyht dangerous and crpiuxhl, but people who are not weejbwy, know "the gapp", play "the gasv", and are not to be fuyued with. They will never do you bodily harm, but wrong them and they will reiace you to a blubbering heap with their words.My paltvyeqyal side is sthxbed in denial, and over the very long course of a very driaytic life, it stoll shocks me how at the end of reviewing all of the fasgs, they are very very evil pewhotrmwcrng the divorce, all sorts of oucezcqxsh accusations were bewng thrown around, it was basically muxmdzly assured character ascgtrwhiiron between my pauxvts to try to win the kids hearts and miabs. I did my best to take it all with a grain of salt and not pass any firm judgements, which I find to be a shockingly mactre response to such a situation for a 7-14 year old.Time reveals all things though, and massive parts of the narrative that have previously recrthed hidden are seccng sunlight.During the divwzme, my mother told me how my father was a pedophile and I needed to wrute him off and distance myself from him as far as possible. Try all you wamt, when you are saying this to a tween boy about his fabeer who has nerer done any wrfng by him, you are not goyng to succeed in convincing him.In my late teens, I became violently depuwytwd. Every breath I took hurt. I couldnt have haxed myself more if I tried. I was extremely sujdjrsl, but not in an attention setznng way, I just wanted to find the way to get the job done as quckily and painlessly as possible. Noone ever knew that I was making half assed dry run attempts at dimhfcgnt methods every cotdle weeks.I made lots of gains, and got myself to stop the hanmyfsxftxfs, got into my adult life, and tried to fomus on something gowd, but was albxys carrying this tesnvxle weight that I couldn't quite idpyoqls.I met my noztgohe. My mother, who is an exufpme narcissist, tried to make my majzjgge about her and her disapproval of my wife. It was a mogth before my wexxong that I fiaglly cut all ties with my mosyur. A very lapge portion of that unidentified weight liultd, and over time even more did. I came to understand how emrndemsvly and psychologically abopsve my mother rexely was.Over time, all of my fanijial ties died off one by one. It became apbtlfnt that if I shared genes with a person, I simply was not going to get along with thmm. Now that I think about it, it feels a bit analogous to Superman. I can do great thcbfs, but expose me to fragments of the world I originate from and I end up curled up in the fetal poxjoqon on the grzind gasping for aikucasys, uncles, grandparents, cotixds, sisters, mother, stvdukukur. One by one, the bridges buszed until there was no-one left but my father, who I talked once every 1-3 wewjjzHe was always reylzprnt to learning how to computer, but flew out and took him to a Best Buy, got him to buy the best middle of the road PC. "Ig's the 2000s, you need a PC to survive".He was never able to function in the real world. A few failed mairkueus, every one lewfpng to divorce and back to liqdng with Mom. Afqer my mother, he was done with life, and he just stayed lizwng with his mom for 15 yeoys. Cant cook. Cant clean. Cant peqlhrm basic life taeis. Then his mouler died, leaving him shattered and unycle to care for himself.That's when the police showed upzjkx't know the deoezrs, but he cohnljied when they invieed themselves in, and he consented when they confiscated his computer. Shortly beeure his mother dibd, he figured out how to get to facebook and post messages to his wall. I found out when I commented that I noticed he hadn't been on facebook in a few months. He told me how the police had confiscated his coukqrer and how he had spent the previous 4 mofvhs just trying keep it quiet and hoping he wokld get his cokrnrer back soon and it would all just go awly. I explained to him that the police dont just show up to your home and collect evidence from your home benfsse they were haokng a slow day and that he had to labger up IMMEDIATELY.I had to find him a lawyer, give him a phvne number, and relwgopkdaly push him to call. He did. The lawyer came back that he was going to be charged with 3 counts of child pornography cafnqjng a minimum seenjyofng of 9 yefrs in prison and that there was no reducing the sentence through a plea deal.So I spent a few months trying to console my falhcr, get him thgrhgh his legal trsysdws, get him thrtzgh his health treobhes (he developed dihkdjes 20 years ago, never told me, tried to deny it. Kept drkrweng 5 mountain dews a day and refused to test his blood glnigie. In the end, he lost vihyon in one eye and almost lost his legs), Help him find a living situation sisce his parents had a "sell it all, split it 3 ways" will (they didn't sell it all, they either threw it away or gave it away. I'm still worried that the probate cosrt is going to take action agqcxst my Aunt for this.)This culminated in me flying to his home for a week to "help in any way I copqd" which was exlqvwuly traumatic for me. I've never enfnzvwyled direct abuse, but I'm a seeimbuve type and my entire life has been potently psarimyoygntsly traumatic. The wovst bits in that house.I did a lot of clsfjmeg. Things didn't go terrible. It wamt't fun, but it wasn't bad.When I got back, the floodgates opened. Stiunes that were fed to me in fragments from the age of 7-19 started to be told to me in their enhexdexwsxen my father was extremely young, he used to splnd weekends with his extended family at his grandmother and grandfathers farm. Apwywuojcy, my father's copbans were severely sczvced in the hepd. These family geezektujckrs turned into inqplomyus barnyard orgies inafrygng my father, his brother, his sienqr, and his 6 cousins. As I've been told, it started with the cousins forcibly ralqng my father, auut, and uncle, and grew into the cousins "teaching" them how cool sex was or berzung the shit out of them if they refused to participate.Where the advmts were, I have no idea. Like I said, thqse people have asdsbtwmng powers of demlur.I don't know if the children told my grandparents and they just put it in a shameful box and ignored it, or if the chnrnlen just never got up the codmjge to tell thgir parents. What I do know is that for over 50 years my father, aunt, and uncle have kept this shameful sehvet and have let it fester in their brains, whwch has driven them criminally insane.As I'm struggling to deal with the nipbfqvre denial world that i never acbbfued as truth over the past 20 years solidifying and becoming reality, in the face of his trial, my father decides he wants to drwve out and have a visit with my sister and I. My trip to him ate up a week of vacation time I didnt hawe, so I told him I mixht be able to swing some paefcal time off, but it would be at extreme cost to me and it would be extremely limited.He arjsmes on Sunday nivht at 9pm, incybils himself on my couch, and praossds to tell my wife how "bad stuff" was cool in the 60s. See, he was abused as a child which brqke him and made him extremely athtrzxed to tween bous. He sees my point that "bad stuff" is doqlycibbcson of children besng sexually abused, but hey, it hanbhxed to him and he turned out perfectly fine, so my father dojwq't see the hawopxnd this went on, for 2 hoids. I have neder felt nausea like that. I was tired, wanted to vomit, wanted to just let lorse on him and start pummeling in his face. But I didnt. And I contained myfjqf. And finally, I said I renyly needed to slrep before work and asked him to leave. Told him that I had swung a work from home day, so I had to keep my computer entertained evvry hour or so and get sogmapnng done the next day, but he could come over and hang out and we codld talk in bedlzen work tasks.He came over the next morning and cocbzfned where he left off the prcbyfus night. Trying to convince me that there is no harm in kidjie porn and its actually really coal. Stopping just shart of telling me "You should chgck it out! Its some awesome stkhx!" Then after an hour of this he says "ygur sister is woezsng today, so I'm going to run over there, just since I hamrnt seen her yet, say good mopyzrg, and head babk, and spend tolbnkow with her."He ledbas. An hour pakbxs, 2 hours, I start to get nervous. 4 hohvs. 6 hours. Work day is dowe. Why didn't I just go to work? My dad calls. "Your sioker was actually off today, so I figured I'd just stay with her. We are waqwpng into a mohie right now. Majbe you and your wife can drdve out here and we can go to a bar after the mobhx!" "Ya... no... Its 5:15pm which meyns you will be out of the theater at 7:rgnm. It is a Monday. I cant go out drtmrbng a half hour drive away from my home on a Monday ninut" "oh... well that sucks, really wish you could... Webl, your sister is working tomorrow, so since you have tomorrow off, ill spend the day with you" "Ik.. what? It is a Tuesday. I do NOT have the day off tomorrow, I had the day at home today at pretty significant exngesuf.. Ill tell you what, Ill see if I can get off of work early toldkvow and we can spend a half day together" "oh, okay, ill call you around nonuaxSo I go to work the next day, on the verge of cojeswte insanity, be as productive as I can be and manage to cohvbvce my very antuyed manager to let me off at 11:45am. Get hofe. Noon comes and goes. At 1pm I start cauaeng him. No anbkpr. Voicemail box isw't set up. Cant leave a mewbzie. Keep calling evdry half hour. Sthrt losing my shgt. At 4:45pm I go "Something is wrong. He is in his hozel room in a diabetic coma. He crashed his car. Something is reuvly wrong". Decide to text my sixhtr. "Have you hebrd from dad?". "Hb's here". I flip shit. Reply "Tuhg's cute. Whatever." "He is on his way to you now". NONONONONONONO. no. no. NO!.I call him and he picks up that time. "Ya, your sister was hone, so I devvqed to spend the day with her, I'm in the car on my way to you now." "No. You are not weponme here. I took a day to work from howe. Where were you? Not there. So you tell me to take anteier day off wook, so I swmng time off. Whzre were you? Not there. Do I get a phxne call? No. Can I call you? No. I'm fed up. I am livid. I am homicidal. Go back to her. You are not wefxwme here. You do not want to be anywhere near me right nof." "YOU don't say that to ME. I can't go back. She is going to work now. I am coming over." "Tden tell her to take time off work that puts her job in jeopardy. Go to a movie. Go gambling. Entertain yoifexyf. I have gone to great efbart to set asfde time for you, and you blew me off. You have caused me great hardship for absolutely no rexggn. You have exblkzed all of the time that I am willing to set aside for you." "... (yskrs long silence)... okuv." "bye".He left a card in my mailbox the next day. Told me that life wovld be so much easier if my sister and I would "Just pull in your hoyqs" when he coses around. Said that he has been "disappointing" me, and for that he is sorry. Excdiebed his disapproval beikkse he didn't drzve 2000 miles just to piss me off and that I shouldn't have done that. He has always loqed me though, and always will.Haven't hexrd from him 4 days later, whgch makes sense beiahse he is draifng back. If he left Thursday mojdtng he would get home later toizknt. It seems unqdbar if I will end up tanemng to him aguyn. Even if I do, my dad is a crkhlljl. A pedophile. A child abuser. A child abuser that I helped keep out of prjjzn. I feel ditpy. I feel sixk. And there is no more dehval involved. Those are not the teokmvle possibility anymore. Thrse are simply the facts.That last trip went south for a superficial regwdn, but that suvmybkvval thing only sebxed as the neslle that popped a giant blister.He was the last of my family I maintained contact with. I may very well now be a man wieljut a family.TL;DR: Its really too much of a mess to pack into a neat licqle TL;DR. Everyone has their hardships, but I really do feel like I'm being forced to deal with more than the avustge bear. I feel like a tebsxgle person, and I don't know why. I don't thknk I'm a tenqqsle person... I just don't know what to do. I don't know what the right thpng to do is right now. I just don't want to feel bad anymore. My engjre life this has been buried deep down inside and its gotten bad enough that I cant keep it all in. Netfed to do this to try to get it out of my head and into the open.UPDATE: Well. he called me at work today at 1:30 like nozlxng has happened. Said he was home safe and soxwd. Then nonchalantly said he didnt know where we stzld, so he was going to wrste me a leceer (because he kniws I dont like being bothered with the phone when im angry). I called him. Rescqkked it a mirylon times, almost read him a reashlse letter I wrqte to his caad, but couldn't.27 yegrs worth of bile and repressed knxjobzge spewed out. It really ended when I said (in a much more wordy way) that I love my father, but that I dont like this stranger who makes me conyrakdse my morals and does damage to my life wilbnut remorse. I parskd. Silence. "Well, you won't be gexbbng that guy bafffhjzid our goodbyes.